too complicated

in the other side, i think i really hate him with all his mistakes. but in the other side, i still love him. i still think i can't live without him. too complicated. i really want to free from this fuckin feeling. that feel that always hurting me. to know that i love you so much and i can't do anything to help my self. i just stay with u with all this pain. you showed me that you love me more. but that STILL NOT ENOUGH. i still searching searching and searching again. now i know why i still with this pain. i don't really forgave you. i still with that pain, i still with that memories, i still with this resentment. i just like a time bomb that ready to explode anytime. i should forgive you, if i really want to stay with you. forgive or not at all.

getting close

i hate to think that graduation day is getting close, but i also hate to thinking if i can't graduate on november. too complicated. i hope i will past all difficult things in this year.

FIGHTING

FIGHTING

FIGHTING

FIGHTING

FIGHTING

FIGHTING

FIGHTING

i'm getting worse

I'm getting worse because of this  disgusting thing. I know  i can  do anything. I co be better if i'm not with him. I have everything and i give up on every pride that I've got its all for you.  For live life with you. And now,  you make me want it all again.  You make mr realize i deserve better. I ❤ U...  But why you did this to me?  Why you make me like a monster now? I lost my self its all because of you. 

My Tumblr

Finally i already customize my Tumblr themes, and i love it

BAD THINGS

actually, when i start to wrote on my blog. i always think about bad things. may be i was accustomed with all bad things in my life. so it follows me every step in my life. i forgot to write all things when i got happy. yess!!! Happy is just a small part in my life. so when i'm happy. i forget everything. as well as to write my beloved Diary or Blog. things that can makes me happy :

* i'm happy when someone i loved hug me, said that he love me, and kiss my forehead

* i'm happy when i meet with my family. i love my family very-very much

* i'm happy when i hanging out with all my friend. doing stupid things and laugh until i'm tired

* i'm happy all about shopping

* i'm happy to design accessories, clothes, room decor, and everything about beauty

and so much more things can makes me happy. i also have so many things to makes me sad, angry, lonely etc (i have so many word about bad things)

i can't put every things that can makes me feel so bad. it's too much. i want to be free from all this feeling. it's hurt me so much. it's makes my life so dark, i don't really know how to control it. i hate everything. i had so many experience that finally makes me like 'this fuckin negative person of thinking'. but for now, YOU!!! you took a big reason for all this bad things and thinking happened to me. i can't remember well all the memories that makes me like this, but for 4 years past, you have a big role in my life.... very big Negative ROLE. but i don't even know. why i still with you, stand by you, love u, caring u. i don't understand with my fuckin mind and my fuckin love to you. i hate to love you. BUT I DID IT. 

you should feel grateful to have me. 

i'm a girlfriend that always think you are not good enough but i just stay with you even i feel all pains that you gave to me. i'm a girlfriend that always think to leave you but just to think to far away from you i'm going crazy. i'm a girlfriend that always hear bad things about you from other people and think 'yes they were right' but i don't leave you. i stay even i know you are not good enough to me. i stay even you always hurt me. I STAY FOR NO REASON. i just think may be, THIS IS THE REAL LOVE.

YOU!!!

if someday i said with all my heart and my logic "enough", if someday i really tired with you, if someday you lose me, that day you lose everything and regret is not enough.

YES!!! I SHOULD

Today is the answer of everything,

i should leave, let's time do it

i don't even know why i should felt this pain. why???? WHY????

he hurting me not just in my heart but now he hurt my body. wow... how amazing u are

u give me something to believe in

"you are not for me, so do i"

u are WORSE than i ever think

U ARE MONSTER

u make me believe ur fckin Love

and now???

u show it

unbelievable

u

hurt

me

in

and

out

YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!

should i leave?

i think we're getting far. you don't fight for me like u always did. and i don't really fight for u like yesterday. we're far... we're same... and we can't be like we should be as a couple for 4 years. we just waste our time. i don't know why we should be this stupid. but i think this relationship take us to the wrong place. our relationship take us to be worse. i don't like it. i want to enjoy my life with laugh, happiness, sadness. i want to share everything but not like this. everyday we just be a good couple for a moment. and after that we mad each other. why?

worried just kill me slowly

i think i so over worried. everything looks so wrong to me. and every negative things i think it's all gonna happen to me. i don't understand how can be like that. but this is real. when i'm not do something bad and someone tell me that i did. i think again "am i did it?"

i'm not trust my self. even when i in the right position i still can't help my self.

like today. ichat's mad at me. just because peoples i follow in instagram. everything he told like "it's all my fault". but i don't even can't defend my self. BUT I NEVER DID WHAT HE TOLD ABOUT.

this is strange

we deserve to be happy

people could think like "she don't really appreciate what she had"

YES !!!

may be it's right

but they never gonna said that if they as me

if they know how much bad things in my mind

if they know how hurt to be like me

if they know how much things i can't tell

my mind is a greatest HELL

i'm a victim of my own mind

I'M GETTING INSANE??

i was found something familiar about Marshanda. Marshanda is one of most popular artist in Indonesia. she had so many sensation as a public figure (but not so many as Syahrini hahaha), but the point is people think she already crazy now. after she post her "carzy" video on youtube and divorce her husband, now she gave statment that her mom is behind of all these problem.

oh whatever, i don;t know well about their problem, but what i know is chacha had a difficult life. whatever what she told is right or wrong, i think she had a VERY BIG WAR in her mind. just like me.

she did everything to be right, she used hijab, she married

but WHAT NOW?

she getting worse. she taking off her hijab, divorced and told everything on media entertainment

that isn't right

THAT'S SO WRONG

but i could understand what she really did, how she think

we are in the same way to think, but we in a different class, family, environment

we just have a same way to thinking

when everything like against us, everything looks so wrong, live life like in prison of freedom. we can't act free. we can't be what we really are. be are wrong. but this is us. this is how we thinking. but i pretty sure. Allah have a great plan for me and for her too.

and for all the people in the world

WELCOME THESIS

i'ts like a nightmare to realize that i should focus on my thesis. I really-really want to be free of everything about collage. so many things in my mind and i don't even have a space to think about my thesis. i want to refresh my mind with everything i want. i also got depressed about JOB. after i graduate, 

then

WHAT SHOULD I DO? 

momy always said "back to Ternate and find Job in here

OMG it's such a really bad future for me, bad lifestyle.... and everything except to be always with my family. that's the big right point for me to stay in there.

but the PROBLEM is

in the reality i will not live with them forever. i will have a family, and i want to find it with my own way.

well

LIFE GETTING DIFFICULT

but once again, i should stronger

1 year past, and this is me

and this is me...

 i still lirvy with full of laugh and smile, but do still with so many problem in my mind

and these some picture about me hihihihi

i think i'm getting worse, i really don't care about anything. i just want to be happy
he hurt me more than i ever think and more than i ever felt. THIS IS HELL
but it doesn't matter, i'm getting stronger
i hate everything about love, love just makes me out of my mind. i lost my self. these 4 years i wouldn't regret it. i just want to learn in it. learn in this

EXPENSIVE EXPERIENCE

how about my life now????

once again i'm getting worse. i'm back in my gloomy life. it's hurt. it's sad. i try so hard to be better. but he break it fast. as fast as light.... i'm lonely... but it doesn't matter. i should strong. because i'm me :)